A relationship is great until it isn’t. You may wonder, what happened to the fun times and being happy together before they faded away? The other question is, why? How can this happen when two people started out being so in love? Let’s have a look at some of the reasons why many relationships don’t last.
Starting with the Basics
When two people begin a romantic relationship, it’s not unusual for them to hope it goes on indefinitely. After all, life is beautiful and full of plans for the future. More importantly, they are in love. However, the reality for many couples is that many – and these days, almost most – relationships eventually dissolve. When they do, emotional distress and reflection on the underlying causes of the separation follow.
A breakup can result from many factors, including communication difficulties and different goals and values. In many cases, these reasons for breakups went unnoticed or perhaps not given much weight because the attraction between the couple completely overshadowed them.
Reasons for Breakups
Lack of Communication
One of the primary reasons couples break up is a lack of effective communication. If you’ve read other breakup articles, you probably may have noticed that most list poor communication at the top. Communication is key in any relationship, and when one or both partners cannot communicate their thoughts and feelings effectively, misunderstandings and conflicts are likely to arise. Over time, this communication breakdown can lead to confusion, resentment and animosity, ultimately causing the relationship to deteriorate.
Lack of Trust
Trust is fundamental in any healthy relationship; when one partner breaks the other’s trust, it can be challenging to repair the damage. Whether cheating, lying, not following through on commitments or breaking promises, it can be difficult to rebuild the relationship once trust is broken. A partner’s lack of confidence can create a toxic environment, eventually ending the relationship.
Differences in Goals and Values
Incompatible goals and values rank high as a reason couples break up. When two people have different long-term goals or values, it can create tension and conflict in the relationship. In other words, it can create a situation where a couple no longer sees eye-to-eye on things.
Whether it’s differing opinions on marriage, children, career aspirations, religion, politics or lifestyle choices, these differences can drive a wedge between partners that is often too difficult to reconcile. When a couple cannot find common ground on these important issues, it can break the relationship.
Lack of Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is the connection and bond that partners share that goes beyond sex. When one or both partners cannot open up emotionally and connect on a deeper level, it can create a sense of disconnect, emptiness and distance between them. Without emotional intimacy, the relationship can feel shallow and unfulfilling. Even when the sex may be great, it is not enough without emotional intimacy. When emotional intimacy does not develop, it can ultimately lead to a breakup.
Conflicts and Arguments
Conflicts and arguments are often an offshoot of poor communication. Every couple will experience disagreements and conflicts at some point in their relationship—how can they not? However, when conflicts become constant and unresolved, they can chip away at the relationship’s health. Constant arguing and bickering can create a toxic environment that erodes the love and trust between partners. Unless addressed, they can ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.
Lack of Respect
Respect is an essential part of any healthy relationship. When one partner disrespects the other through belittling, demeaning, or controlling behavior, it can ruin the relationship. Without mutual respect, a partner may feel unvalued and unappreciated. This can lead to resentment and hurt. When respect is lacking in a relationship, it can be difficult for the couple to maintain a strong and healthy connection. If it goes unchecked, a breakup may follow.
Unresolved Past Issues
All couples enter a relationship with their own past experiences. However, carrying unresolved baggage can weigh heavily on the relationship’s health and future. For example, people may carry unresolved issues concerning previous relationships, childhood traumas, or personal insecurities. These unresolved issues can impact the relationship dynamics and create tension and conflict between partners. When these issues are not addressed and resolved, they can fester and grow, ultimately leading to the relationship’s breakup.
External Influences
Having friends and family is great, but not when they, along with societal pressures, interfere in a relationship. Whether it’s disapproval from family members, interference from friends, or societal expectations about what a relationship should look like, these external influences can create strain and stress on the relationship. Unless the couple can withstand these influences and navigate around them but remain true to themselves, it can spell the end of a relationship.
Financial Issues
Finances are huge for couples. While many may see eye-to-eye on other things, differences in managing money can be a deal-breaker for some. Money is a common source of conflict in relationships, whether disagreements about spending habits, financial goals, or unequal contributions to the relationship. Financial issues can create stress and tension between partners, leading to resentment and dissatisfaction. The ties can crumble when a couple cannot find common ground on economic matters.
Stagnation or Growing in Different Directions
All things change over time. The same is true for relationships. A couple may be on the same page when they first meet, but that often changes as time goes by. When a couple cannot grow together and support each other’s personal growth, it can create a sense of stagnation in the relationship. On the other hand, many couples grow in different directions. This also poses a problem because it can lead to dissatisfaction and restlessness, ultimately causing the relationship to fall apart.
Domestic Abuse
Domestic abuse is incredibly detrimental to relationships. Apart from the risk of physical injury, it erodes trust, respect, and communication between partners. It creates a toxic environment filled with fear, manipulation, and control, which is not conducive to a healthy and loving relationship. Domestic abuse should be a deal-breaker, but unfortunately, for too many, it’s not.
Victims of domestic abuse often feel isolated and powerless, unable to speak up or seek help for the abuse they are experiencing. Whether it’s physical or emotional abuse, It takes a toll on the mental and emotional well-being of an individual. It can lead to feelings of self-doubt, low self-esteem, and even depression. Often, the abuse will go on for years before the abused partner leaves, if at all.
Drug and Alcohol Abuse or Addiction
Drug and alcohol abuse or addiction are often overlooked during the start of a relationship, either because it hasn’t reached a critical stage or because of the belief that it isn’t that big of a problem. Regardless, it can be highly detrimental to relationships for several reasons, such as:
- It leads to erratic behavior and mood swings.
- It often takes priority over personal relationships, causing individuals to neglect their loved ones in favor of obtaining and using drugs or alcohol.
- It can lead to financial strain, as individuals may prioritize buying drugs or alcohol over meeting their financial responsibilities.
Overall, drug and alcohol abuse or addiction can have devastating effects on relationships, ultimately leading to breakdowns in communication, trust, emotional connection and a breakup.
Infidelity
No discussion on the reasons why couples break up would be complete without mentioning infidelity. By far, cheating by either partner ranks at the top of the list on this issue. A study by Rokach and Chan (2023) made the point that while most transgressions in a relationship are generally minor and easily forgivable, infidelity is not one of them.
When we think about infidelity, a sexual liaison outside a committed relationship almost always comes to mind. However, the reality is it’s much broader than that. That’s because infidelity encompasses numerous forms of being unfaithful or breaking the trust in a relationship or marriage.
In its broadest terms, cheating can include an emotional affair that may or may not involve physical contact. Regardless of what form infidelity takes, it undermines the trust and commitment expected within that relationship. And for this reason, infidelity becomes the most common reason for a breakup.
Take Away
Couples break up for many reasons. In this article, I briefly touched on many of them, but just scraped the surface. There’s so much more to be learned about each and I plan to create posts focusing on the individual reasons I covered here. So, come back soon and frequently.
